I've been sort of regretting some things that happened with some people, but I sort of stopped caring, gave up on trying to fix things, and didn't care at all, I sort of developed this cynical apatheitc personality,
Then I had surgery and I had a lot of drugs in my system and was in a lot of pain for a few days, the day after I suddenly had these feelings like I was going to apologize to everyone and was going to be a better person and be cheerful to everyone
When I got home I was still in a lot of pain for a few days and got really depressed and started like dwelling on all this, regretting it, I might have thought about killing myself a few times, that went on for a few days, and then when the pain went down and a lot of the drugs got of my system and I started getting more like my old self, cynical and apathetic and quiet, and I have no desire to see any of them again, I don't care about any of them anymore.
What's going on?
Answer:
Short answer: You do care.
In my opinion, you were probably being more honest about the situation when you were drugged. Your "higher thinking" wasn't really in tact, so you were more in touch with your heart's real desire. You probably want to get the situation resolved--that is your true desire. But now that you're feeling better, you're thinking with all your defenses up, or maybe you're trying to reason your true desire away. I think you should try to resolve things. Unresolved things are always bad. If something was on your mind while you were in pain, and you wanted it resolved, that's the real, uninhibited YOU. Listen to yourself, and take steps to fix things. After that, if it doesn't work, then adopt a more who gives a crap sort of attitude.
HOWEVER, if this thing is making you depressed, and now you're feeling better/aka not worried, STICK WITH THAT. If you're feeling depressed enough to even think about suicide, please talk to someone. Really. Please. **hugs**
One thing going on is that you're getting the drugs out of your system and it takes a while to get "clean" and get back to the "real you". Secondly, the issues your dealing with are in your personality, and you could be diagnosed with a Personality Disorder or Trait. It's worth seeing a counselor for, if you really want to do something to change your personality, but that's not easy work, and most people with Personality Disorders don't have the patience or serious "want" to undertake such a long and strenuous change, but, if you ever want to, tell your therapist that a retired mental health professional with 20 years experience, recommended you for long term treatment, and that I tentatively diagnosed you with a Personality Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (NOS). God Bless you.
Feeling guilty all the time can lead to clinical depression, where your brain chemicals are off. I don't know about the meds the hospital gave you but they may have relieved the depression temporarily.
You see when you are clinically depressed you can stop caring about others and just feel edgy or grumpy like you just want to be left alone. I think that you are back there again.
Maybe you are depressed!? Pain could have made your depression formulate into rage. That is not so unusual. When they pumped you full of drugs you felt happier, thus the guilt. I would talk to a doctor about trying something easy on the system _wellbutrin is a good one (least amount of side effects)!
Do something for me ?
Tomorrow morning when the sun comes up I want you to walk outside and say to yourself "Today is a brand new day and I'm going live it to the fullest"
We as humans have just so many days on this earth and it is up to you and me to make the best of them.
So.... tomorrow is a new day full of possibilities, enjoy it and realize you have only so many more days left.
Remember that people Love you and need you in their lives.
Be well my friend.